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I had a thought the other night.
It was more than a thought, I acted stupid. Lowered my standards, etc.
I hung out with this looser, (a serious tool-who somewhat resents George Clooney... that's it) He called, asked what I was doing, I told him. (hanging with friends) I met him once and he was totally not- who I would ever look for if I was looking. We were friends only (past month or two)...

Just the other day-- I emailed Brent (Bob Vila) asking him why guys were dinks. Because of this--Dink!!!
He sent me messages and stuff basically saying "I got lad twice/two chicks this weekend" (mmm...no...you contacted me and said otherwise but must have forgot geek!) Brent, agreed he was off. I thought I was paranoid. We met for only a few min-never ever thought I would see him again-never thought of him romantically.

So Mr. Man shows up, My very few friends that know my situation...(Lu, Carrie) and knew alllll about him... (Thought he was hot THEN told him the story) So when he called we almost joked, hope he shows up we can tell him to piss off. He showed up and was nice, and I had been just...so needy obviously lately. (Nutty? Literally?) I had spent time with the girls getting the hair/makeup done (they own a salon)...shopped...stole Carries crap...etc. I felt great. Mr. Man liked it, and nothing happened but I allowed him to just slime ball all over me. I danced like a whore... I let him whisper things to me... ewww. (now).

If this was someone half-likeable... ok. Slow, but OK. Nothing serious I plan...ever.
But is this it?? Forever??
Be a whore? Settle?
Stay miserable (too late cut the cords...but if I had not) in current situation??
This is awful...I am not talking about sex....or monogomas relationships...but-- who will understand me?

I admit too much to "Bob Vila"/Brent... When we first spoke I thought (and said) "YES!!" (HOT!) and after realized I just adore him. Too much to ever subject him to whatever is coming (who knows?). I had a urge to take care of him, he is symptomatic now. (I am probably also) -- but in a non sexual way to respect him. (Although, even if he was much sicker- and I was not thinking about him as my friend... I would still do him/no problem) I have never cared about someone I barely know. I think it's just the understanding, he gets it. He tells me when I am a dork, and makes me laugh. I think I creeped him out at first- but I am too honest.  Apparently, too horny too. No worries, 200% respect....Not even selfish-- so not me. 

My grasping him (and Brett) as a friend is a HD instinct thing...but these new thoughts after letting someone uses me.... ugh.....

I always thought--even if in a messed up way, I would have a soul mate. Not thinking it to be possible aches.
Aches bad.

I am doing well, :) I just need to avoid this thought for a bit.


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